Saturday, 4 April 2009

Food and me

I think it's safe to say I've a problematic relationship with food. I've used it to numb emotions. The risk is still there, and it seems to realise itself occasionally (I'm typing this with a bowl of jelly beans, so there).

Well, bugger me if I know why things went this way for me. It may be something that happened during my childhood, it may be something else. It's not really material to the discussion, as knowing why something has happened doesn't necessarily help you to fix it.

Anyhoo. I'd really like to give up comfort eating, at least in the sense I do it, 'cos it's not too comforting. I don't want to shove sickening amounts of candy into yours truly just because I happen to feel off. I'd really like to find a better way to defuse the feelings I have hard time coping with.

On the other hand, a disordered relationship with food is just the thing for a hip, with it, girl to have. I mean don't we all? And what's the choice? How would one resolve anger, fear and dissociation? Talking cures are slow, and they cost an arm, a leg and then some. Plus they might be just a waste of money should the care provider freak out. Which they do, unfortunately.

Self-care is something I really suck at - other people may not notice 'cos I compensate by dressing nicely, having my hair just so and all that jazz: and the compensation's very nice in itself, too. Dressing nicely is, properly speaking, part of self-care. But I have a nagging feeling there's more to self-care than just hitting the gym and dance classes regularly. It's probably bodily self-care I've taken my first shots at, but it does seem it has to be extended to my feelings and probably some other things, too. 'cos stuffing my face with sugar is oh-so-very familiar way of numbing out difficult stuff, and I'm sick and tired of numbing out - I want to be free of that crap, or at the very least be able to recognise my triggers so I'll know what to look out for.

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